Thoughts

Today's behaviour - totally out of character? Can't really say that, can I. When I said that I first snogged Cider Man a couple of years ago, it was in reaction to the first time I caught K lying about keeping online relationships online. I was so angry that he'd lied. If there was nothing to it, why was he ringing her 8/9/10 times a day? Why was he sitting outside the house in the car to talk to her when he got home from work instead of coming in?

From his phone bills, I discovered that he'd rung her from the hospital the day his mother died. That hurt - I was right there. Was the emotional support I was providing not enough? All wrong?? I tried to hold it together for him through that time but it was difficult. My mother had died at the same hospital 4 years earlier. Except in her case, they didn't lay her out afterwards in a nice, large side room with a red rose in a vase. They shoved her in an oversized cupboard where I had to clamber over spare drip stands to get to her body. With his mother, the staff tried everything, with mine, they'd given up long before. K had the opportunity to be with his mother when when she died. Mine died alone, in the night, undiscovered til the following morning.

Whatever comfort I tried to offer never seemed enough. He was distant, brushed me off, but I didn't expect him to have an affair. Which to his mind, he wasn't as they had never met. But he was acting like he was, and that shook me. I knew the signs, having been his other woman. It made me question the emotional investment I had in him, which was why I ended up snogging CB- the only time since I started seeing K that I had done any such thing, or wanted to until this year.

I kid myself that I'm a one guy woman, so what was today about? Mentally I've moved on from K - I'm just too cowardly to tell him. But there's no point directing all that attention on D (yes, that's the code letter I've gone for), and I have to be careful that I don't do it simply through force of habit. I've had a series of long term relationships; which means that I unwittingly think along certain paths, without realising that I'm making certain assumptions. But then I think D does too - he has never made any noises about just wanting a quickie fling, he's not the type. He's been married forever, and he's doesn't seem to be wired for short-term assignations either. He's a rubbish liar - if he says anything that he feels remotely guilty or ashamed about, he looks straight at his feet. Although thinking about it, it's interesting the times he doesn't do that.

But today: partly I was innoculating myself against caring too much, but on the other hand, a blazing illustration that I can do meaningless sex. It also spells out unmissably to me that D isn't meaningless sex and I'm kidding myself if I try to pretend it is. Also I'm feeling randy and yes, the attention from D has made me realise that perhaps I am generally attractive. A bit. But what was I thinking of?