Four Seasons in one day

We were more low-key this time, no sexy texts, just a straightforward phonecall to confirm time and place, but yet again, the anticipation built during the day. 

When he reached my room, there was no discussion, just murmerings of appreciation. Again, an urgent need to strip each other and explore, touch, taste, lick, nip, bite. My room made me with laugh with anticipation - shagtastic, baby: 4 poster and well fitted out - just as well, as his room was damp, featured twin beds and mould in the bathroom. I grinned that the bedposts might come in useful after I confessed a mild prediliction for bondage. Regretfully, he seems entirely vanilla. Perhaps I should feel guilty that I feel no guilt, but the pleasure was overwhelming.

I had such a fabulous evening - sensual, fun, amusing, passionate, affectionate. But when he suddenly announced at 1:30am that he was going back to his room, I was crushed. Seconds before, I had been idly thinking that my face was starting ache slightly with the grin I'd mistakenly thought it would take a blowtorch to remove. But I couldn't work out why until today.

Obviously, its not the biggest crime of the century, to want a good night's sleep, and obviously a cold, single bed in a mouldy room is enticing compared to the alternative (!) He owes me nothing, he was knackered but my reaction was entirely out of kilter with the lack of crime. Today it hit me. Last time he'd reminded me what good sex felt like. This time, he'd unwittingly reminded me of how it felt to be simply, daftly, uncomplicatedly happy. Last time I lay awake wondering how I could go back to a life without sex. This time, I lay awake wondering when the last time had been that I'd been truly happy, and why I hadn't even noticed its passing. How sad is that - to have not noticed? Every day features a background radiation of dull, scratchy, low-level tension and vague, unspoken resentment.

It's a bit like the English weather; you accept grey skies as normality. Yet you jump on a plane and soar up through the clouds and realise the blue sky was there all along, just hidden. I know this episode is just a holiday from reality, but I'm 
starting to realise that this reality can't continue indefinitely. Can it?