New Year's Bloody Eve

Never good, is it. The pressure of being on the verge of a whole new year, virginal in aspect, yet you know that despite all that potential for change, for rebirth, for reinvention, it's pointless - you'll just fuck it up like all the others.

2008 has a whole new horror for me -the dreaded 40th birthday. Six months off, yet monolithic in its unyielding, ticking unavoidability, like an essay deadline or an execution. Oh I'm sure its possible to emerge, unscathed and blinking into your 5th decade without a dose of the screaming heebie-jeebies, but to be frank, the omens aren't good. 30 was a bit of an issue for me. It was also the year I reached my seventh wedding anniversary, having known my husband for 10 years in total. Well guess what? This year I'll have known K for 10 years and we'll have been shacked up for...you guessed it.

And as for the state of play there? Well, his obsession with eating does nothing to help his high blood pressure, the medication for which does nothing to remind me why we got together in the first place....if you get my drift. Yes I know that was stupid - you can't build a relationship on sex. I knew that but hey - see 1st paragraph. Me? I'm very aware that I've been avoiding losing weight because I kid myself that if I had a great body, I'd want to use it. Actually, I'm not kidding myself about wanting to, I'm kidding myself about the opportunity to.

Mind you, having said that, in the last month, a "potential situation" has arisen. And of course, its with someone I work with. What a bloody cliche - I can hear you all (all 1 of you that stumbles across this in 8 months time) screaming "No - don't do it." I don't know if I will, I don't know if there is any chance for the potential to turn physical at any point. I just know that a bit of mild flirting that wouldn't scare the horses has put a spring in my step and encouraged me to lose 1/2 a stone. That's 7 lb for the merkins. Actually 8lb now, due to this poxy cough I've had all Christmas which has kept me away from the wine and beer far more effectively than a 12 step programme. Just another 40 to go. The irony isn't lost on me that this is probably as good as it gets - all the ego stroke with none of the embarrassing disrobing issues. Quit while I'm ahead maybe. But his Christmas card had "xx......" and damn, I want to explore those dots.

So - an inventory. A stock-take of my present position.

Emotional
Living with a man with whom I have little in common, who has no subject of conversation beyond work, food and rugby, without much in the way of sex to fill the silences. Considering an ill-considered affair with a married man from work.  Potential for happiness in 2008: 3/10

Professional
Not fabulous. Not particularly gelling with my new boss. Am giving in to my inherent laziness and frankly, just don't care that much. Performance review wasn't brilliant, although not unexpected for someone newly promoted. But I basically need to get some inspiration and get my finger out or things will not go well. Too apathetic to look outside the company. That final salary pension thing sucks you in. Potential for happiness in 2008: 4/10

Family
The children. A current major worry. Not that there's anything wrong with them - its just when they are around I see my life through their eyes and I feel like I'm letting them down. They expect perfection from me and I feel punctured by their low-level barbs of disdain. One has just officially left home. Its not like when she left to go to university or abroad to bum about, because each time then, she had plans to come home again. Not this time. She's moved in with her student boyfriend and I felt bereft. Until I logged onto facebook and found she'd left a message for her boyfriend (unaware that it would appear in my update page too), saying that she couldn't stand the stultifying atmosphere here and wanted to leave there and then. My crime? Watching tv on Christmas Day. Christ, what does she think overweight 39-year-olds with flu do on Christmas Day?

The other one has gone to see the unsuitable boyfriend who dumped her at the beginning of December, because he hadn't succeeded in emotionally blackmailing her into coming home from abroad a month early. Not that he had done anything about finding them somewhere to live together - he is perfectly happy living with his parents and spending his spare money on computer games. Understandable in an 18 year old - less so in a 25 year old. Obviously I don't want her giving in and moving to where he is at the other end of the country, but as he apparently said to her (as reported to me by her incensed twin sister), "well, your mother is hardly the best person to take relationship advice from". Possibly not, but life advice from someone who has not only been self-supporting from the age of 16, but single handedly bought up 2 children as well has some weight. Just do as I say, not as I do.... I wouldn't mind if he made her happy, but he doesn't. She likes eating out, or at least stopping for coffee when out shopping - he considers it a waste of money. Alternatively, she likes long walks in the country. He sulks and stays indoor playing computer games while the rest of his family go for walks. She loves travelling, happy to rough it and submerge herself into a country and its culture. He joined her for a month and whined the whole time, ruining it for everyone else in the party. Honestly he needs a slap! You'll just have to trust me on that one. Potential for worry in 2008: 9/10

Hobbies
Well, I was making good use of that gym membership earlier in the month, til this bloody head cold and interminable cough ambushed me. I've joined about 4 different orchestras this year, which has been variously terrifying, exhilarating, tedious, unintentionally hilarious, touching and in the case of chamber music, passionately fabulous. If only I'd practised more as a child....

The obsession with web stuff has dwindled to zero. I really should have carried on promoting WW, but as the bank-charge reclamation stuff that was driving so much traffic to my site was cut off by OFT indecision, I lost the drive. I always secretly knew that the fun was in the design and putting it together, rather than the intrinsic subject. Potential for happiness in 2008: 7.5/10

The future
So what do I want to improve in 2008? According to the superficially seductive philosophy of Ayn Rand, "Happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values." So according to her, I should feel no guilt about turfing K out because I'd rather live in my own space. Sprog Junior could move in here as the atmosphere would be so much better, and I could enjoy an indian summer of whoring around before preparing to "go gently into that good night". I could also consider going to Australia with my sister, who invited me just before Christmas, leaving spring or autumn. I frankly wouldn't want K dragging along behind and there's no point suggesting I go alone with her for the moping. Can't really afford it. Mind you, I could get another job somewhere else entirely with more money - sell the house or rent it out. But K won't move further away from his job or brother or kids, so that's a no. So the bottom line is that I feel suffocated and hemmed in, the obvious solution to which is to leave my lover, except I won't be going anywhere, its my house, and as he has little in the way of assets since I persuaded him to leave his wife, he can't afford to go anywhere either. So I guess we're stuck...for another year....