Blogging

Now I hate it when bloggers come over all introspective and precious about their blogs. They start singing to the gallery once they get plenty of regular readers - something I don't currently have to worry about. And like the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, taking a measurement of your place in the world affects your output - its skews it to one definite position or another when the internal reality is too subtle to be committed to words.  

But one of the better posts I have read on this point is this one from the Naked Truth on Words of Lust. Her assertion that sex, despite its grunting, noisy, funny reality can sometimes be transcendental rings true to me - an escape into a moment of physical bliss beyond that which our nagging, analytical minds can follow is exactly what I seek to find, to describe, to fit into the jigsaw of my emotional life. Fat chance.

Philosophy of Infidelity

I've been reading the Philosophy of Infidelity blog; I recommend it as well written & honest. I particularly find it interesting that he's not afraid to say that he fell deeply in love with his mistress S. However, as he now admits, married man & single lover is not a good combination, and they eventually separated. He emphasises that working on your marriage has always got to be a better bet & I concur - yet we're all human. Oh, and his number 1 rule is: Never have an affair with a co-worker; everyone in the office will know and its inescapable when it all goes wrong. Again, I concurr but I'm human...

I have always been quite highly sexed and spend a fair amount of time thinking, reading, looking at or actually having sex (even if its alone, in the work bogs cos I'm bored), but I'm aware that sex without the expression of affection and tenderness (backing away from the L word, because its not quite the same) is empty and pointless and simply unsatisfying for me.

I know that I have an obsession, an addiction to giving head. Its one of the few pastimes in which I can totally lose myself in the moment, and a fair part of the attraction is that its a "safe" way to give pleasure, to show that tenderness, to be almost nurturing, without giving anything of yourself away. Its like an emotional condom - I could give blowjobs for hours and have the emotional release without getting emotionally attached. And as for my own physical pleasure - well the delight of bringing someone to orgasm with my lips and tongue, feeling their body rise, tense, release as a gush, feeling their muscle tension, hearing their breath, perhaps even a muttered word, particularly when I did it all myself, well, its wonderful in itself but as part of a longer session, I've been known to come in unison.

Oh Christ I want more sex. But K cannot oblige with all I want, and I can't bring myself to pick up some chancer off AdultFriendFinder. So what choice do I have? At least I'm not emotionally involved. Yet. But part of me wants to be. Its like that urge to stick your hand in a bare flame - you know its going to hurt but some stupid bit of you is egging you on. Actually, all I want from this fling (its still a fling til tomorrow and I'll decide on the new label then) is appreciation & gratitude.

O.M.G.

Its taken a while to have the time to update here in peace and quiet, but I know you're all (!) desperate to know what went down. Or who.

I have to say, with a bit of warning and some wind-up texts to get us in the mood, he did not disappoint. Au contraire, he confidently span me through some positions that had me gasping with astonishment.... and pleasure. There was one particular one, well! But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I got to his room at about 6:00pm and he'd suggested a session before dinner - fine by me. Can it only have been an hour or so? Felt much longer. Was enjoying myself exquisitely particularly with the Karma Sutra special, when he mentioned I should try it out with K. And it all came crashing down around me, really. We had frantic sex, lazy sex, tired sex, languorous sex, lustful sex, (though none from behind) all of which was fantastic, but in the dark, I was left with the thought that I had to go back to normality with K and how was I to do that when I'd been reminded so graphically what I was missing?

Also, I wasn't too chuffed with an air of smugness (intentional or otherwise) about how fabulous his life was. Mine, of course, is an utter fuck-up, and reminders of this fact aren't welcome. So, all in all, I was fairly unsure come the morning how I felt about it all. And then we started again, but we were both "well-used" from the night before and not much was happening, so I went down on him.

Oh the joy and delight of having access to a live cock that doesn't only respond to it's master's hand. I could have lost myself down there for hours, but a gentle mouthful bought things "to a head". He apologised for coming - no idea why. I'd warned him that I wanted to taste him. He didn't think this was what I meant. I made it perfectly clear that this was exactly what I meant! And it cheered me up enormously!!

However, by making a reference to him as sex-toy of the month, I led him to understand that a repeat showing was not cut & dried. He seemed sad about that, but I needed time to absorb the sensory overload. Its hard to go from near famine to a 20-course banquet and not be overwhelmed. I stopped in a bookshop on the way home and found myself in the self-help section. I suppose I was looking for some inspiration, and I found it. I inspirationally realised that if you take anything in life too seriously, you might end up actually reading some of that shite.

So over the weekend I went some way towards making things better with K (who has finally delivered an xmas present), and messaged the lover through an internet BB that I stalked him to, in order to indicate that negotiations were still open. He is keen to repeat on an opportunistic basis... and as it happens, an opportunity will present itself next week. After that he's on holiday for a fortnight - somewhere hot, glamorous and expensive (see what I mean about smug - he'll be offering to show me the photos next). That might be a natural break, but we shall see. But oh fuck - the sex was good!

The Cheek!

Well, the slightly-more-observant-than-I-give-him-credit-for K has accused me of having an affair on the strength of finding some new lingerie in the dirty clothes bin. Well, technically yes, not that I was going to admit it so I leapt for the moral high-ground on the basis that his further evidence is that I haven't been going to bed at the same time as him for some months. Well that's because a) he goes to bed exceptionally early and b) he will want to attempt unsuccessful sex. Again. He claims that "normally", I show him the things I've brought. In answer, I pulled out various items of clothing and grilled him on whether I'd shown it to him before it saw the inside of a wardrobe or after. He had to concede. And I certainly haven't been having an affair for months!

Then there's the small matter of the number of times I've caught him on the internet chatting up women. Now I'm a relatively easy-going person, not out to stop anyone's fun and I took the line that as long as it stayed as online fantasy, then fine. But I caught him ringing up one woman 8-9 times a day, and 3 months ago, directing another one to our local train station once I was due to be safely out of the country. He claimed that he wouldn't have gone through with it. We'll never know because she bottled it. But for 3.5 years, I haven't gone on about the lack of full-on activity, he's been (not very) secretly attempting to find out if the problem can be solved with a different shag, can I be blamed for cracking and getting some attention elsewhere?

Meanwhile the other lover is agging for a replay. Perhaps once more....