Start at the End

So this affair (if it is that). When do you know when to finish it?

I kept reminding himself, (whom I'm going to have to designate with a code letter sooner or later) that there may not be another episode. I think he thinks that this is because I'm not necessarily enjoying it that much, or I feel too guilty. Whereas in fact it is purely because I know that life will go back to being grey and dreary and dull when this is over and part of me thinks, well if life is going to do that, I may as well get straight to that stage now. Do not pass Go, do not collect £200 and a clutch of orgasms, go straight to jail. How defeatist is that?

But its all so arse-achingly predictable. It starts off with you both claiming its just the sex and no chance of any feelings being involved, no siree. But you get sucked in, until the sun only shines on days when you see him, and you rearrange your life around snatched moments with him, and resign yourself to spending Christmas and New Years and holidays and birthdays alone. What's the point? I may be cheating but I'll still feel cheated. What I fundamentally want is a nice, normal relationship, where you have two people who talk to each other and make love. Is that so much to want? May be a bit of affection, tenderness & appreciation thrown in for luck? I could even see an affair holding together a shaky marriage by filling in some of the cracks, but I have no commitment to K - I just feel sorry for him.

Jesus, is this ever a textbook case of jumping ahead, making assumptions and general girly over-analysis! Lets face it, he may not even be interested when he gets back. I won't see him for another fortnight, I don't suppose we'll get a moment to even discuss getting a moment together til next month. Sheesh - what a load of crap I'll be posting here in the meantime!