Ch..ch..ch...ch...changes

This is turning into a good year. I've never been one to be afraid of changes, I just don't assume I can inflict or direct change on others. However, the sessions with D and the realisation afterwards that things in my life couldn't continue as before has shaken up my determination not to be unhappy. At the moment, I seem to be stoically bearing my unhappiness as the price of not making anyone else unhappy, specifically K. I told him that I had had enough of living in this atmosphere and refuse to continue to do so. That prompted begging and tears (which isn't great) but he accepts that he needs help, so I accompanied him to the doctors this morning. A short course of anti-depressants and a referral to a counsellor is the outcome. When the doctor asked what he might want to talk to a counsellor about, he mentioned grief and I mentioned his "Conflict Resolution Strategies", which is shorthand for his passive-aggressive 5 day sulks, his emotional manipulation, his juvenile attempts at controlling the behaviour of others around him and his occasional propensity to snap and turn physical.

He is facing up to his problems and I am hugely relieved that there will be a competent professional to help him. Its no longer my responsibility alone to "make" him happy - he's realised what I mean about taking responsibility for himself. I've told him that I can't guarantee that I will fall in love with him all over again, or even still be able to put up living with him, but I would feel less guilty about turfing out someone who could cope with life, as opposed to someone who plainly can't at the moment. And who knows? Perhaps we will get through this difficult period. I keep reminding him that we can't go back to the way things were when we first met, we need to go forward, as the people we are now.

Its a step forward, and I'm sure that there will be two steps back pretty soon, but at least I see where forward is now, whereas a few weeks ago, I could just see us frozen in this hell for ever. One day at a time.

What's more - unsticking this situation in my personal life has had a huge knock-on effect on me, which is showing up in a far more positive attitude to work, which is making my boss happy as I get all proactive on him. So all round, I've got a lot to thank D for. He should be back in the UK any point now, but we won't be in the same space til next Wednesday. A little bit of me fantasises that he'll find a reason to nip out and ring me tomorrow afternoon, but that's pretty unlikely. And if he does, I'll assume its for a "It was nice while it lasted" conversation. No, probably best we bump into each other in the office and see where we are..... This is a year when I get more selfish, on the basis that its probably better for everyone!