Communication

Time to be honest with myself - is this affair doing it for me? Am I hiding behind my determination not to appear clingy and vulnerable? Is it stopping me from pointing out that a fortnightly shag with minimal contact in-between is not making me feel better about myself? The problem is, I can rationally understand that using work email or comms is stupid, that affairs limit contact time and points, but nevertheless....

Part of it is my history - I seem to have ended up with the sneaking suspicion that every man will treat me in a way I feel is crap, unless I intervene and have the difficult conversations, which, being a coward & unconfident, I don't, til far too late. It seems unfair to suspect everyone's motives as being negative, and of course the possibility exists that they don't see it as crap at all. I'm not specifically referring to D here.

Still, Tuesday night, I was in the mood to take it slower, as I hadn't seen him for a week. He was eager to go straight to it, and I can't blame him as the week before, the roles were reversed - he'd been surprised at my urgency. His ebbing jetlag this week meant it would have been a cruelty not to have dispatched him back to his own duvet as soon as I'd finished with him, but something's missing.

On the other hand, I see the way he looks at me in the office. Before his recent trip, we had a conversation, mostly about my career, and it was so damn inspiring (temporarily - the effect has worn off now!) Verbal communication is so complicated compared to sex - the latter is so bloody easy, its a shame its not the be-all and end all of life.