Expectations

After a couple of days characterised by frequent episodes of "Angry & Bitter 10 Minutes", accompanied by spontaneous sobbing fits, I woke this morning feeling much calmer and more peaceful. Yesterday evening I was full of self-pity and dramatic internal declarations that I would not stand for being ignored and that I would not be at D's beck and call, pathetically waiting for crumbs of attention.

And this morning, when our paths crossed at the distant office, I was cool, possibly even frosty. I put him out of my mind for the rest of the day, but bumped into him later. I knew he was staying over tonight, so was prepared that, despite Monday's stammered excuses that there would be a lot of people at the hotel and he would need to entertain, he might have a change of heart and invite me back. And of course, he did. Did your intrepid blogger crack? Of course she bloody did, the pathetically easy tart! I thought about the state of the motorway at that time of day and considered the pleasure of a stop-over of a couple of hours with benefits, and smiled, "Ring me when you're leaving".

Ring he did, but to apologise that he had been called into another meeting. I said I'd give him half hour and if he wasn't out, I'd go, which is what I eventually did. He rang again when I'd been on the road a while, hoping to persuade me back and apologised again. I mentioned that he'd seemed much more distant since Easter, and I had been wondering if he wanted to continue our arrangement. Again, more apologies, but more interestingly, the promise of a night next week in a more discreet hotel. We shall see.

In a comment, Akrazael wrote that she was grateful for being in a relationship herself as a guard against how possessive she might otherwise become. I am utterly useless at caring for 2 people at the same time. It would be helpful if I could, but I have failed to achieve this state on a couple of occasions in my life. I'm astonished that I waited as long as a month to ask K to leave after sleeping with D. If it had been a ONS, then perhaps, but knowing that I had every intention of doing it again put the mockers on continuing the relationship - what was left of it - with K.

Which begs the question - how long will I be happy being the "other woman", and how will I transition from that state to a more conventional relationship with someone who is free to form one, when I'm ready to? Why have I finally decided to stand up for myself against what I perceive as K's inconsiderateness and lack of appreciation, only to form a relationship of sorts with someone who can only spare me specks of time? Well I think the answer is the heading I've given to this post. A full-time, serious, one-on-one relationship carries huge expectations with it, and if there's one thing I think my life has taught me, its that putting expectations on the behaviour of others is a waste of time. Or maybe that's a self-fulfilling prophecy, I don't know.

I do know however that in contrast to the complications of negotiating wants, needs and expectations in a full-time relationship, having a fling is wonderously, seductively simple. The unspoken expectation is of pleasure, for a short, allotted few hours, and nothing else is promised. It might be implied, it can be bargained for, but the bottom line is that you meet, you have a great time, you part, you have some good memories, and if all else is equal, you do it again. I like that, I understand that and right now, that feels strangely honest for an activity derided as cheating.

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Addendum
Reading back the first paragraph, I think I need to clarify that my misery and bitterness were caused by mulling over the gap between what I had hoped from a long-term relationship with K and what I ended up with. Yes, I wanted to guard against being pathetic again, but I wouldn't want anyone to think I was gnashing my teeth that an inevitably short-term affair might have already reached its conclusion!