Return of the Jedi

I'm back - after a week of non-blogging. What have you missed? Well, to follow on from my last post, I decided last Friday to take the initiative and plainly ask his movements this week. Alas, there was to be no overlap, but in the middle of diary comparison, he looked up and with a complex sweep of facial expressions, asked "So - you still want to carry on seeing me then?" I stuttered an affirmative, parenthetically checking that he still wanted to see me.

Nevertheless, the weekend was not one adorned with a stiff upper lip. It was probably the lowest I've felt this year. That bloody rollercoaster keeps on trucking. I think it was partially due to the fact that having painted all the walls, there was nothing to do but sit and stare at them. And snivel, pathetically. Also a feeling that I may have screwed it up with D, by acting so offhand, he'd assumed I wasn't interested.

Still, I got it out of my system and I've felt more positive as the week progressed. I've separated out two issues in my mind:

1. My biggest fear is that I become so clingy, craven and omnipresent, the human equivalent of that bit of cellophane that you can't shake off your fingers, that I end up irritating him and embarrassing myself. Currently, in my efforts to avoid this horror, I behave very off-hand to the point of rudeness, especially immediately after sex, when at my most emotionally vulnerable. The reality is that I am so hyper aware of the possibility that it is very unlikely to occur, and this fear is easily communicated if the need arises.

2. I have been recoiling from any D-related happiness with the alacrity of a scalded cat. In my current, isolationist mood, I am deeply suspicious of allowing happiness to exist as a result of this affair. I want, unrealistically, all my happiness to spring from an internal well, of which I am in control, rather than be at the mercy of external emotions. Essentially, I want to be able to make myself happy, rather than let my happiness or otherwise be reliant on someone else (cos they're all unreliable bastards, yadda, yadda, yadda, yawn). However, friends and lovers are meant to make you happy! Its not D's fault if I'd forgotten 50% of this equation. I am simply grateful if a friend rings, I'm not terrified of the subsequent consequences of acknowledging that good feeling. I just go with it.

I'm sure this sounds a little mad. Ok, a lot mad. But I guess its part of the break-up recovery stuff. Anyway, once I'd got this straight in my head, I was delighted to find a "hi how are you" text and to enjoy bathing in the warm glow of happiness. Cos its undeniable, when he smiles at me, or I get an unexpected text, the sun comes out in my little world. And, wouldn't you know it, he got stuck away this evening, let me know, I was due to be driving right past anyway on my way back from a training course, so I invited him out for dinner, and myself in for an appetiser first. Smiling again.